Random Hellsing Tales: Volume III
by Agent HUNK
Summary: Another collection of short humorous Hellsing stories written by me, Agent HUNK. Stories included: Alucard runs out of ammo, the truth behind Integra being single, a Hellsing talent show, and crash courses in philosophy. Several pairing references. Enjoy!
1. The April Fool

Greetings, readers. Thanks for clicking on this story! I promise to do my best to entertain you and make you laugh. As you've probably realized, these are just collections of small ficlets and short stories, which you will hopefully find funny.

Some of you may recognize me, and I'm sure at least a few of you have read my works. It appears that I have decided to come out of retirement, and try my hand at writing again. Huzzah? Anyway, I'm sure some of my former and new readers are asking: "Why make a third series about the same thing?" I decided that the other two were too cluttered and confusing, with too much OOC content and such. Plus "Volume III" sounds cool...

Anyway, I suppose its time to get down to business. I hope you enjoy today's story, and would you kindly write up a short review when you're done? It doesn't have to be nice - just tell me your honest opinion. Oh, one last thing.

Disclaimer: I don't own the rights to the name, characters, or content of Hellsing.

* * *

**April Fool**

Alucard had never been one for April Fools Day. Granted, he had no compassion for any human holiday, save Halloween. But April Fools Day deserved its own special little place in Hell, as far as he was concerned. Every year, somebody decided to pull a prank on him. Hot sauce in his blood packets, a Bible under his pillow... one year Walter had even switched the safety function on his gun, and he had to pistol whip his way through a ghoul outbreak before he realized he had to switch it "on" in order to turn the safety "off." That had annoyed him to no end... But this year, somebody had gone above and beyond the call of duty to piss him off.

Apparently, in the wee hours of the morning, somebody had snuck into the armory and fiddled with his ammo. They had been quite smart about it, too. They had removed every bullet from every spare clip he had, and then unscrewed the bullet itself from the shell. They had then poured out all the gunpowder, replaced the bullet, and then reloaded every clip with the gunpowder-less bullets. The end result? Bullets that didn't go "bang" when fired.

And it wasn't just the fact that he couldn't shoot things with bullets like this. Oh no, it got worse. The way a handgun operates relies upon the bullet to go "bang," as the recoil of the gunshot caused the slide to go backwards, ejecting the spent casing and cocking the gun as the slide goes back into position. If the bullet doesn't go bang, it stays in the barrel, and the slide doesn't move. The shooter would then manually have to cock the slide in order to eject the bullet, wasting time and energy. So not only would his gun not fire, but he would have to manually eject each bullet and attempt to fire it repeatedly in order to finally find one that worked. This would waste a large amount of time, leave him open for attack, and also make him look very unprofessional and, to be blunt, stupid.

And the thing that compounded atop all of this and made it horrible was the fact that Alucard only discovered this trick during a chance run-in with his beloved adversary, Father Alexander Anderson, while investigating a possible vampire sighting. The event occured as follows:

Alucard, having searched every inch of the town, had not found a single trace of a vampire. Standing on an empty street in a desolate part of the town, he was just turning to leave when he suddenly detected an all-too-familiar presence. "Hello, Anderson..." he crooned, slowly turning to face his adversary.

"Afternoon, Alucard..." the bespectacled priest replied, slowly strolling out from a shadowed alley into the center of the street, never taking his eyes off of Alucard. "I'm guessin' the sun does nothin' ta weaken ye, am I correct?"

"It bothers me..." Alucard smirked. "That's about it... I'm also guessing that there was no vampire at all, was there?"

"I knew all it took would be a few rumors to insight your blood-lust..." Anderson growled. "Are ye ready ta die, monster?"

"The only one who is dying today-" Alucard grinned, suddenly drawing his guns and leveling them with the priest's face, "IS YOU!" And with that, he pulled both triggers in unison, expecting to see Anderson's head turn into a nice pink mist. Instead, however...

Nothing happened.

"Huh?" Alucard was caught off guard by this sudden turn of events. The next thing he knew, Anderson was upon him.

"AMEN!!" Anderson screaming, bringing a pair of swords down upon the vampire, in hopes of lopping off his arms. However, Alucard jerked himself away, resulting in only the loss of a few pieces of his tie. "What's wrong, Alucard? Leave the safety on? BWAH HA HA HA HA HA!!"

Alucard quickly crossed his arms, and slid the guns against his upper arms, in hopes of manually ejecting the "dud" bullets by pulling back the slides with friction. It worked, actually, and two "dud" bullets suddenly flew into the air. Bringing his guns back to bear, Alucard pulled the triggers again on the rapidly approaching psychopath...

And once again, nothing happened.

"What's going on?!" Alucard snarled. He then had to duck beneath a scissor-like motion of Anderson's blades, losing the top of his hat and a few strands of hair in the process. He quickly dove backwards, and landed a heavy kick square in the middle of Anderson's face. Stunned, the priest dropped his blades, and gripped his profusely-bleeding nose in agony. Sensing that he had a few seconds to spare, Alucard ejected the "faulty" clips, and rapidly reloaded. Just as he finished reloading, he looked up to see Anderson running at him, with several bayonets in each hand. Alucard simply raised his handguns, and the moment the priest's head came in contact with the barrels, he pulled both triggers. "DIE."

Nothing happened.

"SON OF A-"

--

Later that day, when Alucard returned home to the Hellsing Manor, he arrived with tattered clothing and several new body piercings. He also now held an even greater hatred for April Fools Day. He stormed straight to the basement, and spent the rest of the evening brooding in his Lair, contemplating ways to impart horrific pain upon his tormentor. Yet despite his constant consideration on who the culprit could be, he never once considered the person who was truly guilty for the trick:

Integra Hellsing.

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Moral of the Story: April Fools pranks in the Hellsing Manor can get out of hand, sometimes.

Well, I hope you liked this little mini-fic. I had fun writing it, and hopefully you had fun reading it. Now would you kindly click that button at the bottom of the screen, and write a review for this story? :)

Thanks for reading! Have a nice day, and God bless.

-Agent HUNK

PS: If you caught the subtle references, go ahead and try to guess what game I'm refering to. :P


	2. First Impressions

Thanks for all the reviews! I'm glad to see people still enjoy reading my stuff. Now would you kindly continue reading?

(Seriously, nobody gets it? I'm not saying what the game is until somebody figures it out... :P)

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**First Impressions**

Seras had always been a very curious person. Sometimes, she couldn't help but ask questions about certain things. Usually she asked Walter, since Alucard was a jerk, Pip was an idiot, and Integra was scary. So one day when she got to wondering about a certain thing, she decided to ask her butler friend about it.

"Walter...?" Seras' voice met the old man's ears as he was dusting a vase. Turning to face her, he bowed politely in her presence.

"What can I do for you this evening, Miss Victoria?" the kind old man asked, casually dusting the vase behind his back.

"I was wondering if I could ask you a question..." Seras responded, twisting her foot like a nervous child.

"I don't see why not, Miss Victoria!" he replied with a friendly smile.

"Okay... well... um..." Seras scratched the side of her head, trying to figure out how to word the question. "I've noticed the way Sir Hellsing acts around men - like she has no respect for them at all. And I was wondering... has Integra ever had a boyfriend?"

"Heh heh..." Walter chuckled lightly, as though remembering fond memories. "Yes, of course she has. Just not for too long..."

--FLASHBACK--

A slightly younger Integra, probably around age 17, is casually leading a young man by the hand through hallways of the Hellsing Manor. She's wearing a white blouse and a blue skirt, probably as part of a school uniform. The young man has short brown hair, is somewhat handsome, and is also wearing white and blue clothing. "Come on, he says I can't date unless he approves of the guy..."

"Okay, no problem!" the guy says casually, acting as though it didn't bother him. In reality, though, his thoughts were the same as every other guy that had tried to date Integra. _Aw man, this sucks. I thought she'd be easy... Nobody said anything about meeting her Guardian! Oh well, shouldn't be too bad. All I gotta do is play it cool, and soon I'll be gettin' exactly what I want... Oh man, it'll totally be worth it!_

"Keep in mind though, he might be cleaning his guns. He likes to do that - he thinks it scares the guys away!" Integra giggled.

"Heh heh! Yeah, it'll take a lot more than that to bother me!" the guy boasted. In reality... _Guns? Who said anything about guns? Wait a second, is this really worth getting shot over?_

A few seconds later, Integra was shoving open the door to the kitchen, and thrusting the guy into the blindingly-clean room. "Here he is, Alucard! What do you think?" Integra chimed.

The guy looked around, trying to see who Alucard was. There was a Butler standing in the corner, and the old man was just staring at him with a somewhat creepy smile on his face. "Mr. Alucard?" the guy arched an eyebrow. He then stuck out a hand, hoping to greet the old guy and get this over with as soon as possible. "Nice to meet you!" _Old man..._

"That's not Alucard! That's Walter!" Integra giggled. She then spun the boy around, and exclaimed: "That's Alucard!"

The boy gasped. Sitting in a chair, with his legs propped up on the kitchen table, was a man dressed in red. Piercing red eyes stared up at him from behind shaggy black hair. But what shocked him... what disturbed him... what **scared **him... was the fact that the man was chewing on a human femur.

The man was, in fact, holding the large leg bone by both ends with both hands, and was ravenously gnawing at it, as though trying to get to the marrow at its core. "Evening..." the man snarled, too busy attacking what was once part of a person. "So you're the guy?"

"I uh, I uh, I uh..." the boy stammered, unsure of what to do. He then also noticed the gun - the freakishly huge silver gun on the table by his feet, with several spare clips of ammo strewn about the table around it. "I- I- I- **I'M OUT OF HERE!!**"

And with that, the guy took off for the exit. He ran out of the room, and his screams echoed through the halls of the Hellsing Manor for several more minutes, before finally the slamming of the front door was heard. Integra giggled, and then rolled her eyes at Alucard. "You don't _have_ to scare them that badly, you know..."

"Believe me, Master, after reading their minds as they follow you around the Manor, I wish to do much worse..." Alucard grinned, tossing the femur over his shoulder. "I still don't see why you even bother to lead them on, Master."

"Because, I get to see which guys at my school are actually worth dating, and you get to enjoy yourself..." Integra replied playfully.

"But wasn't that the last male in your class?" Alucard replied, slightly concerned for his Master's pursuit of a "boyfriend."

"Yes, yes he was..." Integra sighed. "27 guys, and not a single one of them had pure intentions. How tragic..."

"I'm sure you'll find the proper mate some day, Master..." Alucard smiled, hoping to cheer her up and keep her from becoming discouraged. He wanted to see her happy, even if it meant destroying a few fools' lives in the process.

"Yes, Alucard, I'm sure I will..." Integra smiled innocently back at her Guardian. "I'm sure I will..."

--END FLASHBACK--

"What's so funny?" Seras arched an eyebrow, curious as to what Walter was suddenly giggling about. "Did I miss something?"

"Its nothing," Walter smiled, quickly regaining his composure. "Lets just say its probably a good thing she never had a real boyfriend. I doubt the poor chap would have survived to graduate..."

"Eh?" Seras cocked her head to the side. "Why doesn't she have one now, then? Or perhaps its best if I don't pursue the subject..."

"Perhaps not," Walter shrugged, turning back around to focus on dusting the vase. "But the real answer is that she just hasn't met the right man for job yet."

"Ah..." Seras slowly nodded her head. "Oh, okay. Thanks Walter. I'll see you later, then!" She then turned and left, running off to go bother that silly French mercenary.

"Or at least..." Walter smirked to himself, "She won't admit to it..."

* * *

Moral of the Story: Alucard is the physical embodiment of overprotective father-ness.

Well, hope ya'll liked this one. I'm having trouble deciding what the next one should be about, though. Perhaps more questions from Seras? Or what sort of ideas Alucard and the gang come up with while trying to think of a way to boost moral amongst the soldiers? Or perhaps the readers have suggestions of their own?

At any rate, if you want to suggest an idea, or say what you'd prefer the next chapter to be, or you just want to complain about how bad of a writer I am, would you kindly write me a review, then? :)

Thanks for reading! I hope you enjoyed it... God bless, and have a nice day! :D

-Agent HUNK


	3. What If

Its quite wonderful to see people enjoying my stories again. I'm glad I could be of service to you, my beloved readers. I also appreciate the reviews you've given me - they're quite encouraging. :)

Now, then, onto Chapter 3.

This one will just be a few quick shorts. I like to call them "What If...?" stories. The title says it all, really.

Disclaimer: Ich nicht besitze Hellsing, oder die rechtes zu Hellsing.

(Thank you, German 101... Yes, I'm actually taking German in college. How cool is that?! )

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**WHAT IF... History Repeated Itself? **

As Operation Sea Lion II was well under way, Schrodinger couldn't help but feel a little apprehensive. As he stood in the corner of the control room, watching the Major enjoy his final moment of glory, he couldn't shake a small feeling of worry that kept bugging him in the back of his mind. Clearly, this bothersome feeling made itself clear on his face, for after a short while, Schrodinger suddenly found himself standing in the shadow of the Captain. The tall Werewolf officer looked down on the small cat-boy, with only his eyes visible behind his collar and cap. The silent look in them said it clearly: "Is there something bothering you?"

"I... I can't help but feel a bit vorried about something..." Schrodinger shrugged awkwardly, feeling nervous about voicing his opinion.

The Captain arched an eyebrow. This translated into "What is it?" in Captain-speak.

"Vell... Ve're in ze Hindenburg II, right?" Schrodinger pointed at the floor. The Captain nodded. "And you know vat happened to ze Hindenburg I, jawohl?"

The Captain arched an eyebrow. In Captain-speak, this translated into: "But wasn't the Hindenburg filled with uber-explosive gases, due to a shortage of the usual gases used due to economic sanctions? I believe it was... Helium?"

"Nein, actually!" Dok suddenly interrupted as he casually passed by with a video camera. Apparently, while recording the moment the Third Reich rose from the ashes, he noticed their conversation... and apparently, he also spoke fluent Captain-speak. "It was supposed to be filled with Helium, but instead it was filled with Hydrogen, which is highly explosive! And to get the genuine feel of things, we filled zis ship with Hydrogen too!"

Schrodinger paled, and the Captain's expression went blank, although his eyebrows were slightly raised. However, his eyes went wide with horror when his super-sensitive ears picked up a voice in the distance asking, "Hey, you think zey'll care if I smoke in here?" followed shortly thereafter by a lighter being flicked.

It was then that many of the people present heard the Captain's true voice for the first and final time.

"OH SH-"

--

High over the skies of the Atlantic Ocean, a sudden fireball lit up the night sky. The flaming wreckage of the Hindenburg II promptly fell into the frigid waters below, and the water soon engulfed and extinguished the flames and the dreams of ever man and woman on board... forever.

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Moral of the Story: Don't smoke in an airship full of Hydrogen.

Next story...

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**WHAT IF... Vampires could tan?**

"What's wrong, mon cheri?" Pip snickered playfully, poking a certain blonde Draculina on the top of the head. Seras was sitting in front of a window, staring down at the sunlit grass in front of it. She let out a sad sigh, and looked up at the French mercenary with sorrow-filled eyes.

"I miss the sun..." she whimpered. A small tear began to form along the corner of her eye, and instantly Pip knew he'd poked her at a bad time.

"Oh no, don't get upset, Miss Victoria!" the mercenary patted her on the shoulders, trying to keep her from getting upset. The sight of a crying vampire was something that just didn't seem... right. Especially if the vampire was as cute as Miss Victoria... "At least you don't have to worry about sunburn!" he grinned.

"I'M A BLOODY VAMPIRE, YOU NITWIT!!" Seras suddenly screamed as she pushed the Frenchman away from her, her eyes now brimming with tears. "THE SUN WOULD COOK ME, LET ALONE GIVE ME SUNBURN!!"

"Oh... right..." Pip muttered as he shakily rose to his feet, having been hurled bodily across the room. "Well... hey wait a second! What about the moon?" Pip grinned.

"What about it?" Seras huffed, crossing her arms like a spoiled child. "Its just the moon..."

"But isn't it just as good as the sun? Maybe its not as warm, but its prettier! You can actually look at it, too!" Pip exclaimed cheerfully. He noticed a hint of a smile twitch at Seras' lips, so he kept going. "I mean, the sun is always there... But the moon is only out on certain nights, which makes it special!" Her frown deepened. He needed to think of something better. "Its more romantic to walk in the moonlight than the sunlight!"

This warranted a small giggle from Seras. "I suppose you have a point there... Although, I've never been on a romantic moonlight stroll..." Before Pip could respond, she added: "And no, that was NOT an offer."

"Aw..." the mercenary frowned. "Maybe one day... or night. Whatever!" he grinned.

"Hmph. Dream on..." she rolled her eyes. "Hm... I wonder..." she suddenly looked up at nothing in particular, and scratched her chin. "Could a vampire tan in the moonlight?"

(Several floors down, Alucard's coffin flipped over, and he rolled out of it onto the floor due to his laughter being so intense.)

"I... don't know..." Pip stared at nothing, trying to process how that would work. "Maybe? I mean... the moon is essentially the sun for vampires, I suppose. Perhaps it could work?"

"Maybe I'll try it tonight..." Seras mused, scratching her chin. "Well, I'd best be going. See you later, Mr. Bernadette."

"Au revoir, Miss Victoria..." Pip tipped his hat to her. He then turned to leave.

As the two went their separate ways, both began to ponder on where they had left something. Seras couldn't remember where she'd left her swimsuit, and Pip couldn't remember where he'd left his night-vision goggles.

--

The next day, Seras was as pale as ever. Slightly dejected, she began searching the manor for Pip. When she finally found him, he was watching tv. Or at least, trying to... It was hard to see through two black eyes. "Well, it didn't work..." Seras huffed. She then realized that Pip's face was one giant bruise. "Oh my goodness! What happened?!"

"I... fell..." Pip stammered, several of his teeth missing. "Down some stairs. Yeah... That's it. I feel down some stairs, and landed on my face. Repeatedly."

"Oh..." Seras frowned. "Well... I hope you feel better!" she smiled, turning to leave. Seeing him in worse shape than her made her feel slightly better, at least.

"Me, too..." Pip whimpered, trying to ignore the mocking voice of Alucard in the back of his head.

_You should have known better than to spy on her with me around. If it happens again, you'll be recieving more than just three punches... _

"Eeeeehhh..." Pip groaned. "Why meeeee?"

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Moral of the Story: Vampires can't tan. Especially not in the moonlight.

Well, I hope you enjoyed those two small bits of hilarity. If you have any ideas or suggestions, feel free to let me know!

As always, if its not too much trouble, be nice and write me a review please, would you kindly? :)

-Agent HUNK


	4. Morale Boost

Here's chapter 4! I've had a bunch of ideas bouncing around in my head, so lets hope this one was worth the trouble...

Also, special thanks to Wandering Gunslinger. They made my day very bright and happy when they told me that Hellsing volume 9 comes out on Wednesday the 22nd of October.

Anyway, onto Chapter 4...

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**Morale Boost**

Integra stared down the length of the table, surveying the three men sitting at it with her. Alucard was wearing his usual bored expression, Walter had a kind smile upon his face as he awaited Integra's words, and Pip was staring off into space with a goofy smirk on his face as he casually smoked a cigarette _in a non-smoking room_. Integra's eye twitched - she really hated it when he did that. However, she had more pressing issues to deal with.

Slamming her hands on the table, Integra suddenly snapped: "Gentlemen!" The three men's eyes (or eye, in Pip's case) went wide with shock, and they all suddenly shifted their attention entirely to her. Integra mentally giggled. She loved the fact that she could sometimes catch even Alucard off guard with loud noises and an angry voice... "As you know, our troops have been experiencing a severe shortage lately."

"Refresh my memory..." Alucard smirked. "What exactly are they short of...? Besides years to live, in most cases."

"Morale!" Integra barked. "I've never seen men so down and depressed here in all of my life! Its as though they have nothing to look forward to, and no reason to live!"

"Well, we are hunting _vampires_, Sir Hellsing..." Pip shrugged, flashing a toothy grin. "In case you haven't noticed, we aren't exactly thrilled about fighting something we can't usually kill. And the mortality rate on recent missions has been quite depressing, too, you know..."

"Yes, Captain Bernadett, I am well aware of that..." Integra groaned, pinching the space between her eyes to stem the headache that formed at the mere thought of the last mission report. She'd been up into the wee hours of the morning writing letters to the families of the men who gave their lives to combat the threat of those AntiChrist freaks. Somehow, she doubted the fact that they died defending God, King, and Country gave much comfort to their widows and orphans... especially considering _how_ they died. But for now, she had to keep her mind focused on the issue at hand. "I have gathered you all hear together so we can brainstorm ideas."

"Ideas for what, Sir?" Walter arched an aged eyebrow at Integra's statement.

"A morale boost!" Integra chimed matter-o-factly. "I think we should come up with a way to cheer the men up, and lift their spirits. Any ideas, gentlemen?"

"If you give us a raise, I'm sure it would cheer us up," Pip grinned. "Or you could give us some cash, and I could send Sargeant Eagle and Sargeant Wolfsbane to the store to pick us up an X-Box 360, some playing cards, and a few cases of beer..."

"I'm afraid both of those options are out of the question," Integra replied, wiping the grin off of Pip's face. "We're low on funds this month, and I seem to recall you breaking the previous video game system during an arguement with Sargeant Wolfsbane, so why should I pay for another one?"

"He cheated..." Pip grumbled.

"Moving on..." Integra rolled her eyes.

"Bring your kid to work day?" Alucard smirked slightly, barely revealing his fangs.

"And let you near all their teenaged daughters? I think not!" Integra frowned. Alucard's smirk dissappeared. "I'm your Master - I know what goes on inside your head, with or without telepathy. And besides, we can't put children in danger, let alone subject them to the walking psychological trauma that you are. Our insurance would be paying for therapy sessions for years..."

"Perhaps a talent show, Sir?" Walter arched an eyebrow, throwing the old stand-by idea out onto the table. "I think that might work to cheer the men up a bit."

"Oh yes, telling dirty jokes and singing off key. How _marvelous_ that will be. I'm sure _everyone_ will feel better after a night of _talent_..." Alucard mocked sarcastically, enjoying the chance to burst Walter's bubble.

"He has a point. I doubt anyone here has a decent talent, besides you Walter..." Integra sighed. "And no doubt you would win. Not many people can play the piano with _just the strings_..."

"Its a gift..." Walter shrugged, smiling meekly.

"So thats it then? We can't come up with anything better?" Integra sighed. "Alright then, I guess-"

Pip, up until this point, had been staring at the ceiling in deep thought after losing the arguement for his previous idea. Without warning, he suddenly propped his feet up on the table, leaned back in his chair, and spoke three simple words with a tone of supremacy over everyone in the room: "I've got it."

"Hm?" everyone turned their attention towards him. He sat there in silence for several seconds, smirking in a manner that seemed to say "I'm more awesome than you." Then, in a very casual manner, he simply stated:

"Seras can do a striptease."

Dead silence followed.

Finally, Alucard broke the quiet. "That would work..."

--

Seras was soundly asleep in her coffin, dreaming about dandelions, kittens, and the sheer freaking-awesomeness of having thermo-nuclear ammo for her Harkonnen, when suddenly her slumber was interupted. "OOF!!" the Draculina yelped as something heavy fell on her face, rousing her from her sleep. She started to sit up, only to have her head impact the roof of her coffin. It seemed that somebody had closed it the moment whatever they'd dropped in there landed on her face. "Ah! Wassis?!" she sleepily growled at no one in particular, yawning as she fumbled to find the object that had hit her. Her right hand finally gasped something, and she pushed the coffin's lid open with her left hand. As the light flooded her sleeping space, she looked down at the object in her hand through squinted eyes. Slowly, her vision adjusted, and she started to realize what she was holding.

"WHAT THE-?!" Seras Victoria exclaimed as she held up a copy of The Total Fool's Guide to Strip Teasing.

* * *

Moral of the Story: Even the characters of Hellsing can't deny that Seras is walking fanservice.

Hah hah! I hope you all liked this chapter. If you did, and even if you didn't, would you kindly leave a review for me? :)

Thanks for reading! Until next time, see ya!

-Agent HUNK

(And still nobody gets the video game reference. I'll reveal it next chapter if no one figures it out before then...)


	5. Hellsing: Survivor

Ladies and gentlemen, this plot bunny has annoyed me for quite some time. My GF, Dr. Insane-O, and another friend have all been badgering me about getting back into writing, and they seem to quite like this idea. So, I'm going to try the waters with it.

Here is a "practice" chapter of Hellsing: Survivor. If enough people like it, I'll rewrite it and repost it as a FULL STORY. If ya'lls reaction isn't too spectacular, I'll either update it every few chapters, or just let it rot in fan fic purgatory. Mwah hah hah hah...

Anyway, the concept is simple. A bunch of Hellsing characters, trapped on an island, competing in a bunch of challenges to see who can last the longest on the island. Winner gets a reward that caters to them... Pip would get a bunch of money, while Anderson would get a chainsword. Yes, thats right, a chainsword. As in a sword with a chainsaw for a blade. In case you were wondering, Warhammer 40,000 has been my fixation for the last few months, since I've been without internet. Oh yeah, forgot to mention that. I've been without internet, thus the lack of updates. And of course, writers block...

I'm sorry if the story is too out of character. I'm having trouble deciding if it should be in character and serious, or obvious that the characters are out of their element. I dunno, you'll see what I mean...

Okay, enough of my mindless babbling. Lets get to the stuff ya'll really care about...

Disclaimer: I don't own the rights to Hellsing, Survivor, or Warhammer 40K. But I can dream...

* * *

**Hellsing: Survivor**

**Chapter 1**

Somewhere in the Pacific Ocean, near the shores of an uninhabited tropical island, trouble was brewing. A large sailing ship, reminescent of a 17th century pirate vessel, was docked just outside the sand bars surrounding the island. On board, several members of the Hellsing Organization, as well as one member of Section XIII, were not in the best of moods.

"Hard to believe we all bought into this..." Integra Hellsing growled, taking a deep draw from the cigar between her lips in an attempt to calm her nerves. It didn't help, of course, but at least she enjoyed the flavor. Her loyal butler, Walter, stood beside her, already opening the box of cigars he carried for her so she could retrieve a fresh one when she needed it.

"Isn't greed a natural human emotion?" Alucard, the No-Life-King, crooned from nearby. From beneath his wide-brimmed fedora, which concealed him from the annoying light of the sun, the vampire flashed a fanged grin. "It really isn't that hard to believe, when you think about it..."

"I won't deny it!" Pip Bernadette, the smart-mouthed French mercenary employed by the Hellsing Organization, exclaimed from the ship's railing. "I'm here for ze money! Zat, and the chance to see ze Police Girl in a bikini!" he grinned, casting a glance over at the timid girl cowering in Alucard's shadow.

"Pig..." the young blonde growled, narrowing her eyes at the perverted soldier of fortune. Instead of the usual Hellsing uniform Seras Victoria wore, the vampiress was now garbed baggy jeans and a modest t-shirt, as well as a baseball cap. It was hard to tell if it was to avoid trouble with sunlight, or the wandering eyes of Pip.

"I'm here fer one simple reason..." snarled the tall, bespectacled figure leaning against the ship's mask. Pointing a white-gloved finger at Alucard, Father Anderson proclaimed: "I'm goin' to defeat Alucard, no matter what it takes!"

"Even in trivial matters, you can't stand to see me prosper..." Alucard shook his head, smirking at the Paladin. Anderson growled, reaching into his coat for some sort of weapon. But before things could get out of hand, a new voice interupted them.

"Excuse me..." coughed a new figure that had emerged from below deck. "I think it's time we got this little show on the road..." All eyes turned towards the man as he approached the humans and vampires gathered on the deck. He was wearing a black uniform, with a grey Kevlar bullet-proof vest over it, as well as grey elbow and knee pads. His hands and feet were covered by black fingerless gloves and combat boots, respectively. His face was concealed, however, hidden behind a gas mask, red-tinted goggles, and a combat helmet. Holding his hands aloft, as if to show he meant no harm, the man bowed slightly as he introduced himself. "The name's Agent HUNK." He ignored the snicker that barely escaped from Pip, and continued. "I'm the one who invited you all here, and I'm the one running this competition. As you've already been told, this contest will have you all working as a team, yet there can only be one winner. You'll be camping out on the island you see behind me," he gestured over his shoulder at the nearby tropical island, "and competing in competitions for things like food and supplies. But you'll also be occassionally holding voting sessions, in which you'll vote one of your teammates off the island. The last person left on the island get a reward that caters especially to them."

Several eyebrows arched at the prospect of a reward. "Alucard, should you win, you'll recieve a new weapon. It is called a Lancer. It's a machine gun-"

"I've been dragged all the way out here... for a machine gun?" Alucard spat.

"With a chainsaw bayonet!" Agent HUNK finished. Alucard's expression lightened, to say the least. "Seras Victoria, you'll be recieving..." he paused, scratching at his helmet for a moment. "Well, to be honest, we don't know what you'll get if you win. We'll figure it out eventually..." he shrugged. He then turned towards Walter. "Walter, should you win, you'll be recieving new flying wires, a week's vacation, and a pay raise." The butler grinned, and the masked man turned to face Integra. "Sir Helling, if you win, you'll be getting a week's vacation, with no Alucard, no interuptions, and no random problems popping up out of nowhere." Integra decided then and there that she would win, even if she had to kill somebody for it. "Pip, you'll get several thousand bucks, a locker full of guns, and some of Integra's cigars. And you, Father Anderson..." the dark-garbed figure turned to face the towering priest. "Should you win, you'll become the proud owner of something called a Chainsword. I'm sure the name explains it all. Soooooooooo... Any questions?"

Alucard spoke for everyone when he asked, "When do we start?"

* * *

It hadn't taken long to get the players loaded into the rafts and sent to shore. Amazingly, Alucard and Anderson didn't kill each other. The prospect of new weapons to slaughter their foes - namely each other - with seemed to subjugate their bloodlust. They were sent ashore in seperate rafts, though, just to be safe. When the 6 players (Agent HUNK had stayed aboard the ship, since he wasn't an actual player) arived on shore, they found a nice beach where there was plenty of space between the crashing waves and the dense jungle. Oddly enough, a small crate already awaited them there. It contained a hatchet, some blankets, a piece of flint and a scrap of steel for fire starting, and a few packets of blood for the vampires. Once they were settled down, it was time to assign responsibilities.

"I suppose we should decide who's in charge of what..." Seras said timidly. She was still wearing the jeans, shirt, and cap from aboard the ship. Being Alucard's fledgling, she could handle direct sunlight, although prolonged exposure might crisp her a bit. She still prefered to be covered up, of course. Alnmost everyone else still had on their usual atire, except for Pip. The mercenary had already stripped down to his swim-trunks, which were decorated with images of bullets and dollar signs. Seras also found herself oggling his well-toned abs for longer than she intended. If she'd been human and had any color to her face, she probably would have blushed.

"Alright, then..." Integra nodded, coughing to catch everyone's attention. "Alucard, Walter, Anderson - you three go fetch some materials to make shelter with." The three men, not even bothering to argue, headed off into the woods. "Me and Seras will gather fruit and other food supplies. Pip, light us a fire..."

"Right on it!" Pip saluted, grabbing the flint and steel and heading off to start a fire. A few moments later, everyone had gone off to do their thing. Pip was left alone on the beach, trying to light some fragments of wood and leaves on fire with the sparks from piece of rock and the chunk of metal they'd been geven. Eventually, he managed to light the materials with a few strays sparks. Unfortunately, one of those sparks landed in his long braid of red hair. As he fanned the growing flames and threw more sticks on the growing blaze, he suddenly detected the scent of burning hair. And that was when he realized that his head was on fire. Or at least, the majority of his hair braid was ablaze. The Frenchman lept to his feet, let out a horrified shriek, and ran towards the water flailing his arms and leaving a trail of smoke. Without bothering to look where he was diving, the mercenary lept into the crashing waves and dissappeared beneath the ocean's surface.

A few seconds later, he emerged screaming in agony and terror. The fire was out, yes. But now there was a crab latched on his face. Clawing violently at the crustacean, he suddenly lost his balance and fell into the water. Somehow, he managed to sit on another crab, which did not take too kindly to having a butt land on its face. Once again, Pip emerged from the ocean screaming in agony and terror. And once again, he lost his balance and fell back into the water. The process was repeated far too many times than he would have liked...

Eventually, everyone returned to the camp site. Walter had cut down some trees with his wires, while Alucard and Anderson, relieved of their weapons by Agent HUNK earlier, carried the trees back to the camp and hacked them up with the hatchet and eventually their bare hands, due to yet another stupid contest between them. Just as they finished constructing the lean-to shelters, Seras and Integra emerged from the woods holding a handfull of bananas and pineapples. Shortly thereafter, Pip returned.

The man looked like a walking seafood buffet. A crab was latched onto his face, leaving only his mouth in view. His chest was covered in seaweed, but there was also a lobster dangling from one of his nipples. A small shark had also managed to latch on to his left leg, and was hanging from his knee. There was also the crab hanging onto his butt for dear life, as well as a sea urchin he'd managed to fall on. But the most bizarre thing of all was the small black fish on his neck. It was an algae eater, often sound in aquariums with their mouths attached to the glass, and it was sucking quite vigorously at his trachea. "Somebody..." Pip gasped feebly, "help me..."

Eventually, the rest of the team helped him get rid of his fishy friends, who were set aside for that evening's meal. Unfortunately, the algae eater left a rather obvious hickey on his neck. It took hours for Seras to stop laughing about that...

* * *

Okay, I've got to take a break. That's way more writing than I expected it to be! Could I have some feedback soon, please? I want to know if this should be a full story, or just a few short ficlets. The reader responses will help me decide that. I'd prefer to know soon, before we get on to the actual challenges...

Questions? Comments? Concerns? Review, please! :D

-Agent HUNK


End file.
